15 Lessons for Fathers from a Founding Father

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I first learned of George Washington's "Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior" when one of my favorite journalists, AJ Jacobs, set about trying to live by them. Jacobs went on to live a year according to every rule in the Bible. He read every word of the Encyclopedia Britannica and has done pretty much every stunt one can imagine in the name of immersion journalism. He is, in short, a hero of mine.

So when I was cruising around Amazon.com while on paternity leave and came across President Washington's book, I decided it was worth ordering. It's interesting to see how much attention President Washington put into every aspect of life. From how to place your legs while sitting at a table to several interesting thoughts about how to behave while eating, the rules make clear that George took manners and behavior very seriously. What I was surprised to see was how many of his rules apply to fathers.

Here is a smattering:

1. "If you cough, sneeze, sigh or yawn, do it not loud, but privately; and speak not in your yawning, but put your handkerchief or hand before your face and turn aside."

Great advice and a lesson worth teaching our children, especially during cold and flu season.

2. "Put not off your clothes in the presence of others, not go out of your chamber half-dressed."

I can't tell you how many times I've had to tell my three-year-old not to run around naked. And now that I have a daughter, this reminds me of that old Chris Rock bit about a father's job involving keeping his daughter off the pole.

3. "Do not express joy before one sick or in pain, for that contrary passion will aggravate his misery."

I run into this one from time to time, especially when my six-year-old is crying. He's a good kid, but sensitive. And some times he gets upset about something that I find silly, or will look so adorable when he's crying that I have to fight the urge to smile. 

4. "When a man does all he can though it succeeds not well blame not him that did it."

It's tough, particularly when you measure yourself against other dads. What did Billy's dad do that made him the star of the basketball team? How is it that Joe's son is potty trained and my kid just peed on the wall? It does no good to compare. Stick with what you can control. Leave the blame for someone else to worry about.

5. "Being to advise or reprehend anyone, consider whether it ought to be in public or private, presently or at some other time, in what terms to do it; and in reproving show no sign of choler, but do it with all sweetness and mildness."

This is the old Walmart-Mom rule. Have you ever been walking around Walmart and come across a parent either physically or verbally reprimanding a child? I hate it when I see that. Every time I see a parent loudly or abusively punish a child in public, I get the cringes. Some things are better done in private. And, in the case of abuse, not at all.

6. "Wherein you reprove another be unblameable [sic]  yourself, for example is more prevalent than precepts."

Do as I do - man that's deeper than it seems. As parents, we are constantly teaching. Not just by our words, but by our actions. I have a hard time punishing my kids for something they see me do. It should drive us to be better parents, better people... at least while the kids are around.

7. "Be not hasty to believe flying reports to the disparagement of any."

What's worse - your son breaking a lamp or your daughter being a tattle tale? Truth is, there are problems with both. I have to catch myself before I outrightly believe what one of my kids is saying about another. A dad has to be fair and investigate things like Sherlock Holmes.

8. "Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for 'tis better to be alone than in bad company."

In other words, watch the company your children keep. Better to be the bad guy then to let others take them down the wrong path.

9. "Speak not of doleful things in a time of mirth or at the table; speak not of melancholy things as death and wounds, and if others mention them change if you can the discourse. Tell not your dreams but to your intimate friend."

I really struggle with this one. I want my kids to grow up happy. I want them to have good memories of their childhood. I don't want them to remember that their dad was stressed about work or money or that mom and dad fought all the time. We have to remember that we are forming our children's personalities. And I, for one, want my kids to believe there is good in the world.

10. "Reprehend not the imperfections of others, for that belongs to parents, masters and superiors."

Don't discipline other people's kids, even if they did just set your Christmas tree on fire. Manage the situation and let their parents deal with it. Then consider if you want that kid coming around anymore. It's just not cool.

11. "Think before you speak, pronounce not imperfectly nor bring out your words too hastily, but orderly and distinctly."

It goes without saying that we shouldn't fly off the handle with our kids. But sometimes the hardest thing to do is to walk away for a minute - even though it may be the most important thing we do. Sometimes perspective helps us focus our thoughts and turn a moment of anger into a teaching moment.

12. "Undertake not what you cannot perform but be careful to keep your promise."

There is no heartbreak in the world like that of a child who has been let down by their dad. Don't tell your kid you'll do something you know you can't do and, likewise, if you promise, follow through. It's about integrity. It's about honor. It's about doing the right thing.

13. "Be not angry at table whatever happens and if you have reason to be so, show it not but on a cheerful countenance, especially if there be strangers, for good humor makes one dish of meat a feast."

My wife and I, like many parents, have decided that eating together as a family is important. In fact, with so much going on, dinner is about the only time we're all in the same room for the same reason. I try to be cognizant of the fact that my kids will remember those moments around the table when they are my age. I try to make it about family and leave everything else behind for a while. Of course, I don't always succeed - who does? - but family meal time means so much more if everyone is excited to be there.

14. "If others talk at table be attentive, but talk not with meat in your mouth."

This is a great lesson to teach the kids, but also a great one to learn ourselves. We need to listen as much as we talk, learn as much as we teach when it comes to our kids. That and nobody wants to see semi-masticated meatloaf.

15. "Every action done in company ought to be done with some sign of respect to those that are present."

That means anyone. The kids, your wife, the mother-in-law. As dads, we need to be an example in how people should be treated, because our kids are watching and they will do what we do.

So there you have it, some advice and insight for George Washington. Funny, I didn't see anything in there about a cherry tree.